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Aargh Diaries
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Wise Donkey

Sunday, 14 May 2006

What I cant Blog about on Mothers Day
Muse : Not this post Dear. Didnt you read myTerms and Conditions ,when you
clicked Accept.

Self : Well I didnt. I thought I could trust you. And anyway who reads the
Terms and Conditions before clicking Accept on the Net?

Muse : Well in page 23 para 3 covers the Topics on Mother's Day
And it reads

A. "Its suggested that you do not blog about maternal mortality on Mothers
Day. Mothers Day is about the mothers who are alive, not mothers who die in
the process of giving birth."
If you desire to blog about Indian maternal mortality scenario, of a mother
dying Every 5 minutes in India. You are expressly forbidden to mention that
our rate is worse than that of China, Sri Lanka and even Bangladesh. You are
instructed to mention that our rate is better than that of Pakistan. And you
are expressly forbidden to point out that it would become a matter of
concern if Pakistan killed 105120 women every year."

B."You should not blog about the Earning Working Mother's and wonder if she
would have some problems. You are also not allowed to blog about Non-Earning
Working (homemaker) mother's and wonder if she would need financial
assistance. You are of course allowed to blog and mock the concept of
equality for earning women when they want maternity benefits. You are not
allowed to blog about paternity benefits or the concept of father taking
care of the child"

C."You are not allowed to talk about respect and women. People respect their
moms. And some may respect just their moms and not other women, because,
duh, these other women are not their moms. You are of course encouraged to
point out that as long as one respects their own mother, their quota for
respecting women is completed."

D."You are not allowed to point out that some abuses towards women would be
termed as an insult if its used against our mothers. The point of abuse is
to insult."

E."You are also not allowed to talk about perception of women, like
stupid,irrational,cunning,deceiving, etc. And wonder if it would be ok, if
someone attributed these to your mother. The point of perception, is to
imagine, what we want to be the truth, is the truth."

F."You are encouraged to compare mother with motherland. But expressly
forbidden to say civic sense and environmental concerns, if absent, is an
abuse of motherland"

G.You are welcome to write about the pains of motherhood. But please do not
vulgarise it by wondering on the magnitude of pain or by mentioning the size
of a vagina and size of a baby. You are expressly forbidden to mention the
lack of healthcare in our country. You are of course welcome to protest
against some doctors who are unethical enough to advise a surgery instead of
normal delivery.

H.You are enthusiastically encouraged to post a beautiful poem praising your
mother or all mothers

I.You are enthusiastically encouraged to post a touching picture of a woman
and child. If thats not possible, you are encouraged to post beautiful

J.You are enthusiastically encouraged to blog about any Page 3 star and
their gift to their mother.“

Self : OK. But does it mention anywhere that I cant blog about these clauses

Muse (angrily) : No.

Self : Thanks Muse, and Aaah what else can I say, Happy Mothers Day to my
Mom, my Mother in law, and 3 more women who think of me as their own

Happy Mothers Day to the bloggers who are Mothers

and a very Happy Mothers Day to the Mothers of all Bloggers

Posted by wise donkey at 1:32 PM | Post Comment | Permalink

Saturday, 15 October 2005

Aargh Diaries - Help I dont have a Girlfriend
Mood:  cheeky
Topic: Aargh Diaries

Dear Aargh

I was too busy studying in college. And for the past couple of years too busy working.Now everyone is asking me about a girlfriend.Its not that I dont want a girlfriend, its just that I am not desperate to have a girlfriend and am not keen on the girls I have met so far. So what do I say to people who think I am a lousy loser because I dont have a girl.

PS : Give me a serious reply and not "tell them you are gay" reply.

Aaargh Advises

Mate heres 12 stuff you can say
and none of them say, hey I am gay.

1."She is in Russia. She is helping the Russian children, after the terrorist attack last year. She was in BBC for half minute last month. Didnt you see her?" Start talking about Russia and the weather there etc.

2."We have split up and I am still recovering." And give a distant look. Write a few sob blogs, and send the links to all your friends.

3."Oh I will have one as soon as she dumps you. “
(Its worth the look on the "friends" face. But you cant tell that to women, unless they are lesbians)

4."Why should I tell you about her?" (Puts the guy on defensive, use it if you dont want a relationship with that person)

5."She is busy with her career and doesnt have time for fun."(Keep it vague)

6."Who needs a girlfriend, would you get a cow for milk." (Dont use it with women around. Otherwise they too will start saying that, and other guys too wont get girlfriends)

7."Statistically its impossible for every Indian to get a girlfriend." And talk about the declining sex ratio and that in many states the child marriage ratio is above 50% You can always use wisedonkey's blog for additional information.(For heavensake unless you want others to avoid you like a plague, dont say it)

8."She is a police officer, so busy."(Thats just for intimidation)

9. "Well she is a coworker so wants to keep it a secret." (Works if you have 15 single women at work not if you have just a couple)

10."She died last month." Look distraught, no questions will be asked. If they dig, mention a long battle with cancer (dont say HIV)

11.“She is a celebrity and thinks if I talk about her, tabloids, will immediately pay you and publish it. She wants to introduce me in a press conference, not through a tabloid.

12."She is a Saurav Ganguly fan and has kept a vrath. She will come out with me only when Saurav scores a double hundred in a Test match against a strong team and proves his critics wrong."

Any other suggestions???

Aargh Diaries is a fictional series.


Samy : " My girl friend is an agent with you see her, now you dont!!"the asker will run a mile:))
neways , ppl always accept what we say with conviction, isnt it??

R.Subramanian : she has gone to act in a megaserial and would return after completing it...

Posted by wise donkey at 12:08 PM | Post Comment | Permalink

Tuesday, 20 September 2005

Topic: Wise Donkey

I have been tagged by Colors .He enters the costume party in tshirt, jeans,
without mask or makeup.
To queries just looks in the eyes -
shrugs, smiles, asks us to guess

Girl with excellent makeup?
Midget pretending to be taller?
Costume ruined enroute?
Disguised Millionaire?
Gay (without lisptick?)
Detective (without pipe, glasses?)
Spy (without gadgets?)
Serial killer?


Posted by wise donkey at 1:16 PM | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Saturday, 15 October 2005 12:17 PM

Monday, 12 September 2005

Aargh Diaries - Not Before the Knot

An email from a friend of mine
I am searching for my soulmate and all the men I meet seem to think marriage is just about sex and some are even suggesting a physical relationship before marriage. I am no prude but cant help being shy and I certainly dont want to have a physical relationship before I am sure of the guy. HELP !

Aargh answer
1.All men are not like that and many will pretend to be not like that :D

2.If a guy wants to marry you based on your performance in bed just tell him you want to decide, based on his performance in kitchen. And suggest a day's work in your kitchen. If he merely wants to discuss your sex life (or the lack of it), start discussing his culinary and cleaning skills (or the lack of it).

So if he asks "Did you have a boyfriend"
reply "I will tell you after you tell me how good you are with bhaigan bharta"

3.And kitchen tasks dont merely involve cooking they also involve washing vessels and cleaning. And also ask him if he knows how to handle the washing machine and vaccum cleaner.
So if he asks "Can I kiss you when I meet you"
reply with "Perhaps you can do it in my bedroom, but just vaccum it first and make the sheets and change the curtains and fold all my clothes and keep them in the wardrobe"
4.Its not that the men whom you met think marriage is just about sex. They are not going to be pleased to have less salt in their lunch even if you are fantastic in bed.
Its just that they think your mom would have taught you these stuff (so what if you were working hard for your engineering exams) but they would have to teach you the important stuff themself.

5.If a guy happens to be looking for a homemaker, point out he gets weekend off and retirement while you dont. And tell him, while you will take care of the home till he retires, after retirement you both will have to share the tasks.

6.This will generally turn off many

7.If the guy persists, and does the tasks successfully, try toilet cleaning

8.If that rare gem persists , get to nappy changing and baby care (borrow your neighbour's baby for trial)

9.If this rarest of rare gem persists, talk about financial planning and auditor and taxes and mention that you will also have a say in the financial planning.

10.If a guy still talks to you after this, Grab Him :)
(OK dont grab him literally but do introspect on what more you want)

Some men might think women is just about sex, while some women might think men are just about money. Thats just their point of view and their priority. Instead of generalising the entire gender or judging them, if we disagree with this point of view, lets avoid making them our life partner :D
Wish you the best and if you get married, dont forget to send an invitation, and regarding the gift, well after this email, do you really need a gift ?

PS : Due to the female infanticide and foeticide, there are more men then women, so dont worry you have more to choose from.

Posted by wise donkey at 2:28 PM | Post Comment | Permalink

Wednesday, 7 September 2005

Aargh Diaries UN COO

So Annan  messed up oil for food programme and the Volcker panel has recommended creation of a new post of a Chief Operating Officer (COO) nominated by the Security Council and approved by the General Assembly.



A fishpond at work on Who could become the COO. My thoughts in brackets

Sonia Gandhi (Thanks for not writing Priyanka Gandhi)

Bill Clinton (Yeah the scandal wouldnt be on oil for food, it could be on work for favours or whatever)

Pamela (Well if she decides to make a run for the post, I am sure there will be plenty of supporters)

Dissolve UN (Thats throwing the baby with bath water)

Bin Laden (Is that supposed to be a form of punishment?)

Sania Mirza (Aawwwww lets leave her alone)

Nelson Mandela (Great guy, but surely we should look forward)

George Bush (Well it would be tough to convince. After all the post of US President is the highest position in the world and why take a position in a low organisaiton.)

Tom Cruise (Is keeping UN corruption free, the Mission Impossible 3)

Bill Gates (A window of opportunity for him or for the UN)

Big B, Amitabh (The purpose is to stop people from becoming "crorepathis" not aiding them.)

Me (And do you have a name?)

Saurav Ganguly (Hmmmm a supporter who believes Saurav can do no wrong or a sarcastic comment? Well if he gets into form, stays as captain due to other captains being out of form and wins the World Cup and if Indians gets to decide, I am sure he can become. But guess too many Ifs involved)

Who cares (Aaaaaaaaargh! Do I? Do you?)

Posted by wise donkey at 9:07 PM | Post Comment | Permalink

Sunday, 14 August 2005

Aargh Diaries Independence Day Special

Another fishpond on Saturday at work. Well its our own tribute to Independence Day and the topic "What I do for my country" (If we had kept it what I would like to do, I dont think it would have been much different. All would have mentioned about giving for orphanges and what nots, but of course only, after earning a few million (preferably Euros or USD)

So without wasting your time, during which you could do something for the country, will proceed to mention the results. Those in brackets are my thoughts.

Why the hell should I do something for my country ? Anyway I am not a terrorist or a blood sucking politician or govt official and thats more than enough (Uh Oh everyone is looking at me)

I made a donation to the PMNRF during the Tsunami (Now no one is looking at me :( )

I will watch the Independence Day parade and the related programmes on TV (Great its nice to see the filmstars tell us about freedom, who wants some old freedom fighter moaning about the sacrifices their family had to make.)

I pay my taxes regularly (Congrats mate. Finance is important)

I watch in the theatre any movie on patriotism (Wow nice to not see it on pirated cd, but hey which movies the Sunny Deol ones???)

I vote (Err hope its only one vote. But still nice to see a voter).

I vote for the Congress the party which fought for freedom (Excuse me I thought Gandhi wanted the party disbanded after Independence. Anyway nice to see another voter too)

I follow all the law and rules. (Hmmmm I thought all were innocent until proven guilty and sometimes the Supreme Court disagreed on what is right with High Court etc. But good luck mate if you are sure you can never break the law)

I use condoms and therefore the chances of population increase, decreases. (Oh how patriotic, never mind you can also get protection against HIV and other STDs.)

I vote for BJP the party which is not pseudo secular and is nationalistic and has guts. (Uh hmmm. Now again why is everyone looking at me???Hey stop looking at me. This is supposed to be fishpond game not What Aargh Wrote game)

I support the Indian Cricket Team and burnt Ganguly effigy when he didnt score and now will burn Dravid for not winning in Sri Lanka. (Errr hope you meant Dravid effigy and not Dravid)

I have written to Bush to invade India and make it a strong independent nation (What the ---- Well not funny! Everyone seems to be shocked and insulted. So who is the black sheep, the "yuppie boy"?? Anyway thankfully Bush doesnt read this blog. )

I have read Gandhi's book (Well I suppose following Gandhi is not the same thing)

I pray to God for Indians (Touching )

I hate Pakistan. And I hate Pakistanis. And I practise my Darts throws on Jinnah photo. (Now I dont know what LK Advani will say to that)

I watched Lagaan 16 times (Hmmm and now Mangal Pandey???)

I approve of intersect marriages (Yeah its too much to expect intercaste and inter religion etc)

I am proud to be an Indian (Good for you. But who isnt proud?)

I refused a foreign offer and choose to not become a NRI (Startled looks around the office. Now who got the foreign offer? Well mate, so does this mean I should go back to my village otherwise I am disloyal to my village and why do they celebrate Pravesi Diwas or whatever if NRIs are unpatriotic.)

I dont waste water. (How by not taking bath?? Well guess have to appreciate the sincerity)

I buy only Indian products (And how am I supposed to know who controls what percentage of the management. But thats individual freedom. Hmmm I can avoid the foreign colas but not sure if I will refuse a MNC medicine.)

I am very courteous to foreigners (Err hope you extend it to fellow Indians and hope by foreigners you dont mean just the white guys)

I am encouraging my son to become a doctor (Errr its always nice to more good doctors. And if you think the country needs more doctors, wonder if you will be pleased if your servant's son becomes a doctor. But shouldnt your son's career be his choice. And well hopefully if he wants to join the army or become a politician you will not discourage him.)

I have donated blood few times. Instructed my family for eye donation and organ donation if possible, in event of my death and to not canvass for my life, if I am ever kidnapped by terrorists. (Hmmm no reaction from anyone)

I have decided to marry a foreigner since I sincerely believe in The Pledge " all Indians are my brothers and sisters".(Sheesh !!! What next disowning the parents saying they cant be sister and brother and parents at the same time? And will it also mean sharing your assets with all Indian brothers and sisters? And hmmm foreigner, from which country? USA or Cuba. ?)

I always attend the flag hoisting function. Jai Hind. (Jai Hind)

And the last chit
What! Its blank???
A mistake???
Or is it supposed to symbolically mean the person has done Nothing???
Or does the person not care to think about it???
Or does the person think action speaks louder than words???

Aaaaaaaaargh! Another Monday Morning Mystery for the fellow Indian Bloggers.
Independence Day wishES: )

Search, meet and marry from millions on

Posted by wise donkey at 8:47 PM | Post Comment | Permalink

Monday, 25 July 2005

Aargh Diaries Tips for those going to UK or USA

My friend, who is working in London, on vacation in Mumbai has even stopped criticisng the Mumbai Trains! After all, he says, it gives you a Compressed Body Massage, and increases Competitive Spirit(useful at the corporate level), unlike the London trains . Earlier it was the terrorists now its the police. (For those who decide the innocence of a person based on religion, well he happens to be a Hindu.). At the same time, he doesnt want to be a chicken either and asked me for some safety tips. Here is my list, feel free to make your suggestions.

1.Wear a Bush/Blair Tshirt
2.Avoid jackets . Well if you are about to die from cold, you can be hospitalised and have a chance of survival. But if its a jacket, people could think you are a suicide bomber. (Thanks to blogger

Looking for dream life partner?

Aargh Diaries Whats in a name
Mood:  crushed out
Topic: Aargh Diaries

Mr.C was very agitated over the death of the Brazilian Jean Charles de Menezes who was mistakenly shot by the London Police. and over the news -Police leaders say they will not abandon their "shoot-to-kill" policy and warn more innocent people could be killed in the fight against terrorism

After a silent prayer (though I dont know how useful) for his soul to rest in peace (hmmm if I was murdered wonder, if my soul will rest in peace), couldnt help asking Mr.C

"If it had been an Indian, would you believe so quickly that he would have been innocent?"

Spontaneously Mr.C said, "Of course I would, but it would depend on ....."

 Never mind the IRA or the Naxals, we all know it would depend not on the details but just the name.

PS : Wonder if the fairness cream market will use this and market a special fairness cream for people who go and work in Europe or USA. After all if women can get scared into buying the fairness cream to get a good husband or job, surely people wont mind using it to save their life?

Spontaneously Mr.C said, "Of course I would, but it would depend on ....."

Never mind the IRA or the Naxals, we all know it would depend not on the details but just the name.

PS : Wonder if the fairness cream market will use this and market a special fairness cream for people who go and work in Europe or USA. After all if women can get scared into buying the fairness cream to get a good husband or job, surely people wont mind using it to save their life?

Posted by wise donkey at 8:38 AM | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Monday, 25 July 2005 9:05 AM

Sunday, 17 July 2005

Aargh Diaries People we Dislike

Boss was out since Super Boss had come down, and to minimise the Monday Morning stress and as a compensation for all the reports we had prepared for Super Boss, we decided to play some game at the office. . we decided on "fish pond", but without names. And after consensus decided it would be a fish pond on Peope we dislike without referring to the person. (Well if one wrote against another, it would be a mini WWF) and so the paper chits were passed and the notes written, some hurriedly, some after thought and dropped into a box and read out aloud.

Some excerpts on "People we Dislike"
People who claim to be sensitive and get hurt easily, yet are insensitive to others feelings
Brats who win by wailing and parents of those brats
People who buy gold and other luxury items without bill, to avoid paying the sales tax
People who buy pirated cds and books, and yet never think they are indulging in anything criminal
People who support porn but would hate if their family members appeared in them
People who think the rapist is honourable, if he agrees to marry the girl
Women who say they should be treated like their brothers, but never think of their duties to their parents
People who dont donate because, they were never approached by ngos and no one from the ngo begged or praised them for generousity
People who believe they know A-Z when it come to food tastes
People who
will pay few hundreds for pizza but not a hundred for CRY
People who expect their maids to be on time, but never on time for work
People who believe the solution for the country is military rule and dictatorship, so what if the dictator can be corrupt.
People who expect you to eat as much as they want to eat, to give them company, but wouldnt dream of having just a juice to give you company.
People who dont mind paying a bribe if it smoothens things ou
People who always believe there is a conspiracy against their caste, religion
People who never vote, wouldnt dream of encouraging their children to join politics, but blame others for electing criminals
Fat people who expect you to tell them that they have reduced (Why dont they just use the weighing machine?)
People who think housewives (homemakers) just watch TV and gossip and spend money
People who look down
on a man who decides to be a homemaker
People who believe they are good and can never cause harm or hurt
People who think "white" guys are smarter and the africans brutes
Parents who expect others to praise their children
People who believe advertisements
Men who expect their wives to take care of home and also go outside to earn
People to whom "24000 die everyday from hunger, please click hungersite to give free food"  means nothing
People who think its ok to waste electricity and water, if they pay the bill
People who think the height of patriotism is watching Roja/Swadesh or a Sunny Deol movie
People who thinking shopping is cure for their misery
People who will not let their daughter or son marry a person from army, yet expect others to join the army
People who will write a blog on this (Uh oh) and people who will forward it their friends
without reading it completely (hmmmmmm)
People who  expect promotion, but never think about their qualification or experience
People who are ungrateful for what they have been given
People who dont donate blood, but if they require it, would hope others wont be like them
Parents who think TV is a babysitter
People who dont care when a woman dies every 5 minutes in India due to childbirth, even when it is preventable
Bridegrooms who think its ok when the bride's parents pay the marriage expenses
People who talk about culture but will drink cola over tender coconut
People who waste office time and paper and energy by thinking of games like this, and discussing about games like these afterwards, and then admire the Japanese for their productivity and commitment.

Well there was a guilty pause. And we all by mutual understanding went back to our work


PS : Hmmmm and when it comes to someone who makes us feel guilty, we dont dislike, we simply hate... 

Looking for a date?

Wednesday, 13 July 2005

Aargh Diaries - Desires and Happiness

Aargh Diaries - Desires and Happiness
Today's lunchtime topic revolved around happiness.
And philosophies and religion and spiritual gurus were discussed with zest.
And then Mr.C mentioned that desires were the root cause of unhappiness.

Aaargh!! Easy to say dont desire and perhaps he wouldnt desire promotion and perks.
But I have plenty of desires and at that point, merely desired to have my lunch in peace.

Sure unfulfilled desires maybe the cause of unhappiness, fury, stress etc.
But why blame the desires, and why make me think I should feel guilty about desires?

"Excuse me Mr.C, but I have plenty of desires and some of course go unfulfilled, but still I dont become unhappy" I said.
"Impossible" said Mr.C

"Well its simply that I dont desire happiness.I dont think life has to be fair and that I have to be happy all the time. I have desires, when they are realised, I become happy. But if they are arent, I dont become unhappy since, I didnt desire happiness anyway from my desires"

"And whats the point of desires and if they are not to make you happy" sneered Mr.C
"To keep me going and to make life interesting. I desire a promotion and will TRY to get it. If I get it, I will be satisfied that my desire got fulfilled, and probably be very happy too. But if I dont get it, since I didnt link promotion with my happiness, I wouldnt be unhappy about it."

I could have possibly gone on, but people hate the holier than thou attitude. Thanks to my conversation, my immediate desire got fulfilled. The room temperature dropped and I was no longer obliged to have lunch with others and came out and had lunch in peace at my own table.

Am I happier now, Aaargh too complicated to think of that while I enjoy my lunch in peace !


PS : Aargh is fictional character. And gayathri/wise donkey is still away and not blogging on regular basis

Top-of-the-line jobs!.

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